please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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