I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
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You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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