Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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