I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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