God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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