why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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