We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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