Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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