i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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