I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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