well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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