youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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Every concussion has its silver lining
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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