he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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