so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
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You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
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In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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