Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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