she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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