Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize