go do what you do best...puke behind churches
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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