I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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