I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
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The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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