Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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