I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
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I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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