i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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