I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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