Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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