Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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