a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize