I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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