Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
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I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
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There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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