I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
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I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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