We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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