sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize