matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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