So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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