My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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