I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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