There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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