Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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