so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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