I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
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You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
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