I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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