Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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