id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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