when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
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I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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