I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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