Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He passed out mid-signature
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Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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