I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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