Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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