Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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