Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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